25. Partner’s Family and Acceptance

Q.

I’ve been seeing this person, 14 y older in the past two and a half years. He is celebrating his twins Birthday with his ex wife, brother, friends…. I was not mentioned nor invited. I feel as I do not belong. I don’t like drama. But after all this time some kind of acknowledgment would be fitting? I won’t say anything, I’m clever but hope to take your honest view?

A.

Yep, I can totally see this scenario playing out in countless families. I can see where the hostility would come from too (as an extreme view of this would be that you’re an intruder and a reminder of the past failings of a marriage), and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if some of these people still felt like this. To what extent I couldn’t tell you. And, to expand on this line of thinking, this hostility is because social fracturing and subsequent healing takes effort (as does forgiveness), and for an extended family relationship, sadly, at least as your scenario is currently playing out it seems like these folks aren’t prepared to make that effort.

This is definitely not fair (even rude) and I’m so sorry that your heart and your feelings for another has created such a predicament. Also, I don’t know any exact details of this situation (so I’m very much using my imagination and intuition with all this) but sheesh I can imagine this would be even harder if your partner’s children are teenagers. Like I’m sure in some way they’d still be grieving the breakdown of their conventional family unit. Far out, there are so many factors in play here and a lot of it revolves on the emotional intelligence of the people involved.

Anyhow, despite all my brash generalisations, two points keep sticking out to me like a sore thumb. One is for your need of acceptance within this family group (which I think is totally fair enough, especially considering the time frame involved here) only what are you prepared to do to get that acceptance? Like the status quo is that you are on the outer, and it seems like no-one is too bothered by that (within this family) or they may even want to keep it that way, so what are you prepared to do? I know you say that you don’t like drama but sometimes you do have to stir the waters a little to get the respect you deserve.

What does concern me most about this scenario though, which again sure I’m not 100 percent on the details, but I’m assuming your partner knows exactly how you feel. Or, if not I’d suggest that you two have a big chat. And why I say this, I believe a lot of this falls on your partner’s shoulders. Like if he loves you, he should care deeply about your discomfort in this scenario and as such be making a big effort to ensure you’re integration. You’re a team. And you’re comfort and happiness should lead to his (and vice versa).

I hope this helps, even gives you a little bit of clarity around what moves to make. What does make this tricky though, how this all plays out and the eventual outcome, it depends a lot on other people. Their preferences, their compassion (or maybe a better way to put it is their willingness to accept you), which again this circles back to the emotional intelligence of those involved. It’s kinda brutal but this is the reality. But however this does play out, I’d still think if you do get angry or obsessive (over your partner?) I’d say that this could be like standing on a landmine. So, if possible, please try to place your own eyes of love on this situation. Or, if you can extend kindness and love people are often more receptive (and thus more willing to open up their hearts and lives). Just sayin.

I wish you nothing but the best here.