24. Processing Shame

Q.

How do I process the emotion of shame? My health conditions have meant that I have not been able to financially provide for myself which I feel shame about. I know there are things I can do to try and bring money in, but I also have the feeling of shame that I will make mistakes and end up costing myself money. So I feel this push and pull, and I would like to be able to move forward, but currently feel stuck

A.

Great question, thanks. So, firstly I think it is fantastic (also essential to your healing) that you can acknowledge that shame really is an emotion that needs processing. It is so true. And yep this is something that will take time, blah, blah.

Actually, when I received this question, honestly, it made me reflect on my own journey a lot. Like in the beginning I felt huge amounts of shame (as my body had failed me so badly) whereas nowadays I do still feel some shame, only it’s nowhere near as intense. But what got me curious here, I began to think about how I got from point A to point B. And truthfully, in the beginning I did find this to be a very rocky road, mainly because I had zero guidance.

The one thing I wish I understood here (and I’m certain countless people told me yet it took years to sink in), I could never fully grasp that this wasn’t my fault. I blamed myself so much (obviously wrongly), and I think this was the source of much of my shame. Maybe or maybe not, this could be the same for you?

But yeah, no matter what your view on this, I still think it would be beneficial to reinforce the “it’s not your fault” notion. Even meditate on it and let it sink in – or go all out Good Will Hunting style.

Anyhow, as far as direct advice to process shame, again I’m thinking back to my own journey and of the two things that helped me most. Beer and cigarettes. Nah, just kidding

So, the first thing, even though it was uncomfortable I did keep testing my limits. Little bit by little bit, I knew I had to get out in the big wide world (exposing parts of my shame) and this is how I grew and eventually healed. This is how I processed and become comfortable. Or, in other words, this is how I owning my shame.

Okay and secondly, I believe it was education that helped me process. I learnt about emotions themselves, self-help and self-awareness, I even read books about shame and biographies about trauma (shame and trauma are often interlinked). Actually, I’d like to recommend a book for you to read, it’s called Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. I read this years ago, and honestly I can’t remember bugger all specifics about it, what I do though is that I remember finding that it was really helpful at the time.

Yeah so I’d suggest seeing if you can try to explore and play around with these few things. Then maybe some other stuff you could chuck in with this, fry to focus on a purpose bigger than yourself, chuck in some gratitude, then bang on some self-confidence (each of which will take some focus and work in their own right). Oh and this whole money thing, the reason I haven’t addressed this directly, I believe this simply a by-product of your shame (and thus how shame has manifested in your life). Hence, once you resolve your issues with shame your relationship with work and money (especially the self-sabotage and hesitation aspects) should resolve as well.

I wish you nothing but the best with this. And remember, it’s the doing that leads to the healing, and hopefully this can “unstick” you. Hope my experiences can give you the boost (and guidance) you need.