23. Domestic Violence Court Case

Q.

I have a court case coming up as a victim of domestic violence. I have to face this prick for the first time since the event which left me in hospital. Any advice to stay strong and in control during the court case as I’m scared I will fall to pieces or jump the dock and rip the arseholes head off.

A.

Wowser. Wowser. So harsh. Wowser. Some people really are the worst. This whole ego, control, dominance, the power struggles, possibly even mental issues thing (the factors and environment that lead people to domestic violence), it all leaves a pretty big lump in my throat. And honestly, it’s not something I know much about nor have I had much exposure to.  I think I’m rare, sadly. Still, what I do want to acknowledge here… I am so so so sorry you’ve had to go through this. Brutal.

Nevertheless, here we are. Thank goodness this “prick” is going to face the music, and let’s hope they get their just deserved. I am so proud of you for taking it this far, like I’m sure even getting to this point has taken an amazing amount of strength and courage. Maybe this is even another thing I want to acknowledge you for, yep you’re one strong duck.

But it’s this next step, the court one, this is the massive one. Especially facing this “prick” in person. So, apart from your anger I’m guessing you’re feeling some discomfort (nerves?) around this as well. Geez, I know I would be. So, another thing I want to acknowledge and reinforce here, do know that you’re doing the right thing. Even find some peace in this – especially on court day.

Now, as far as strategies to deal with this whole circumstance, as much as you may not like it but I’d say you’ll have quite a lot of deep healing work to do around all this (which is not at all your fault, it’s just natural human baggage that needs to be expelled in response to trauma). And there probably won’t be a quick fix here either, so be prepared to cry a lot in front of a professional sitting on a couch.

Still, to break your question down, what I’ve said so far has been simply dancing around what you’ve really asked. Like what I’m taking from this is that you want strategies to get you through this court case thing which I’m assuming will last no more than a few hours or a day. So, yeah, while I would absolutely encourage you to seek out deeper healing here, sure it also should be easy enough to trick your brain for a day. To suppress your anger etcetera, even though I would hope you’ve started the real work.

I do want to emphasise this, I don’t believe there is any quick fix here (I know I keep repeating this but I am doing this on purpose).

Anyhow, to get you through the court case and to “avoid ripping this pricks head off”, I’d say to focus on these few points (as hard and as challenging as they may be). I’m not even saying this is going to be easy, in fact, some of these will feel so damn unfair – but it will get you through.

• Know that forgiveness is for you not the perpetrator – and it’s what sets YOU free
• Know that the domestic violence is an expression of the perpetrators weakness and wounds
• See the perpetrator as a physical representation of the little kid inside, acting out because they’d never really grown up
• Know that you are the bigger and better person here, and you have truth on your side, and own that

Now this next one is by far the most challenging but also the most beneficial – to you:

• Send them love constantly, as in envisage an imaginary beam of light stretching from your heart to theirs (even close your eyes to do this) and send love like a rainbow to the frail wounded child within this person’s body, it will honestly give you the biggest waves of peace

And hey, please do keep in mind, these tools are in no way about letting anybody off the hook here. It’s to get you through one day. Like to build up to any level of real forgiveness (that’s if it ever happens), it’ll take a journey to get there. And this court case, I really do believe it’ll be a significant step forward in this direction of your eventual healing (whatever from that may take).

Breathe out the anger, breathe in the compassion for self.

Hope this helps.Ho