Halfway Decent Advice

Q.

How do you think people should handle alcoholics in their lives, who bring nothing but rejection?

A.

Okay, so there’s two parts to this question and I’ll break it down as such. So firstly, alcoholism is a rather strange addiction, specifically in terms of its social acceptance and breadth within the community. Or, in short, it’s very common – which also means a large number of services to help are available.

But in terms of “handling” it, well by saying this I’m assuming that you have an alcoholic in your life. Also, I’m assuming that their drinking is impacting your relationship. So… hm… I suppose I want to start by saying two things here: it is so true that you can’t help someone unless they want to be helped, also I’d put money on it that this person has some deeper issues going on. For instance, escapism and/or most likely though some form of disgust and self-hatred.

Alcoholism will most likely be the consequence of a deeper emotional problem – which is also the case for most addictions. I mean sure there can be physical components to this (and genetic dispositions) but primarily I’d say addictions are to fill an emotional or social void. They’re band-aids covering up pain.

So, as far as people “handling” alcoholics in their lives, ideally I’d say to approach it from a place of compassion (for this persons wounds), but every circumstance is different. Like from their drinking some people can become so toxic, it can be super stressful just to hang around them (and to watch people hurt themselves in this way). So, a lot does depend on your level of commitment to this person, your compassion and ability to forgive, but I’d definitely say to try and see the deeper problem.

Then, if ou decide that you are committed to this person, I think it’s a good idea to work out some boundaries here (maybe even talk to them about it if it’s not too awkward). And here, maybe you can even suggest that they might try helping themselves (even suggest accessing some resources), but do remember this is something you can’t ever do fully for them. Your role if you choose to accept it, can only ever be as a support or advisor.

Now to circle back to this whole rejection thing, this will be coming from these deeper wounds that I mentioned above. And sadly, quite often these are never resolved in a lifetime (mostly because people just don’t know how to deal with or release them). People tend to bury their emotions within and that’s how they move on. But I think the thing to remember here, this is their wounds shining through and not yours. Which, oddly, this also presents an opportunity for you – can you show somebody love without expecting anything in return?

This is liberation. This is what heals (and maybe the both of you as we are all wounded in our own ways).

Hope this helps.